Being Invisible....

Isn't it crazy. As we get older we grow more and more invisible...... It is something that does not happen all at once but creeps up on you,slowly, steadily, surely.

I have noticed it happening to me. I am not unattractive but I have noticed that the looks I used to get now rarely happen. The ironic thing is, that when it did happen to me, I was never sure whether I liked it or not. I wasn't sure if they looked at me because I was pretty, or whether they thought I was weird looking.

They probably looked at me because I was young.

I catch myself doing the same. Looking at someone and admiring their youth but at the same time glad to be no longer 18 or 20. I hated being that young. At that age I did not know my self worth. I did not know that I was pretty and I certainly did not know what I know now.

I am not saying that knowing more is necessarily better. I am a firm believer of being ignorant of lots of things. Of things that do not make you a better person for knowing them. Like for example having the knowledge they are going to fire someone before that person knows. That is never good. Or knowing that your butt is really that big and it is not just an optical illusion.

But being invisible is not nice. It makes you feel less desirable. Less valid. And that is pretty pathetic if you think about it. Why do I need the stares of a stranger to validate that I exist? That I am worth something? That I am desirable?

I guess I need it because if no one acknowledges you, you are alone and if you notice the deminishment of the attention you get, you are on the road to being alone. That is what it means to me. That is what scares me the most. Being alone. Being lonely. Having no one to care about you.

You may disagree. You may think that you have some control over this.

I tell you that you don't. Think about it. If you are old and decrepid and you cannot even remember your daughter's name and you cannot even remember that you were once a smart person but all you know now is that you will get peas and mash for supper (and that is on a good day). When you cannot even remember that your children and your grandchildren came by last year but they have stopped coming because it is just too painful to see you like this but your are too far gone to notice that too. How much control do you have then? All you know is that there is something missing. Something fundamental. Something important..It gnawes that big empty hole in the pit of your stomach.

The weird thing is that you already know what that feels like. I do. It scares the hell out of me. So to make good Karma I make a point of noticing old people. But not for long. I easily fall back to looking at young people. At admiring their youth and at the same time not envying all that entails. I guess it is only natural.