Kabbalah Kablahblah?

I am trying to get some spiritual balance in my life. I have tried to find god when I was in my twenties but after seeing babies suffer in some far flung land, I had sort of renounced my beliefs as it were. So despite this I am still intrigued by Kabbalah.

As an avid Heat reader (a guilty sin..one of many. My IQ actually drops 20 points when I read it), I have noticed that among the hollywood elite a fair share wear those red Kaballah ribbon/string bracelets. Of course, the most famous patron of this ancient spiritual teaching is of course Madonna, aka Esther, aka iron lady (oh no.. wrong Madge). Now this doesn't mean that we know anything more about this religion, Mystic teaching or whatever it may be. It seems to be shrouded in mystery .

Now apparently, you don't have to be Jewish to receive its teachings but that depends whom you speak to. Madonna was not Jewish, but does her name change attest that she has now converted to Judaism? Also, you don't have to be a man to be able to practice Kabbalah but again, that depends on whom you ask. Now, last time I looked Madge had developed some mean looking, scary muscles so I am not too sure what has been going on there. The having of children seems to indicate that she is indeed still a woman.

If you want to have someone teach you Kabbalah, you will have a hard time finding a teacher. They do not advertise and there are not many who are willing to take on people willy nilly. The tradition goes that if you are ready one will appear. Despite my jests I am intrigued and I wonder if it would be for me. I love mysteries and although I am pretty sure that god, if he exists, was throwing a major tantrum on Boxing day, he is pretty much AWOL. It makes me not like him very much. Maybe he didn't get what he wanted...

Blaspheming aside... I want one of those evil eye warding-off bracelets. I could do with some good luck for me and my family. Perhaps, learning Hebrew and converting to Judaism is taking it a bit far for a bit of red string, but I guess the root of it all is that I want to know what it is all about. I also wonder if you have more peace when you are religious or really believe in something. I just do not know what that feels like.

Then again, I already have an evil eye warder-offer in my house, brought back from a holiday in Turkey. The jury is still out if it has done anything at all since I got it. I do look at it sometimes to see if it blinks but it never does. It stares unabated into the distance with its blue, turquoise and black eye perhaps doing something, but who knows? That is my problem with these claims. How do you know that the bad luck that befell you would not have happened if you were wearing a Kabbalah bracelet or had a Nazar Boncuk hanging in your house?

I guess it come down to faith. I am faithlessly challenged.

Whatcha waiting for???

I am thoroughly embarrassed that I haven't even looked at my blog for nearly a month. So bad. So bad.... It got to a stage I didn't dare look at it. Noone wants to be confronted with their failings and I have to be the least of them.

I must say that besides Christmas day, this past month has been the worst of this year. Terrible things have happened all over the world and bad things have been happening with me as well.

I have found my limit career-wise. I was always skimming around the edges, the borders of my capabilities and I have now reached them. My body is also protesting. "Here and no futher" it seems to be saying. Mind you, there is no physical work involved... it is not like I am in a chain gang, or anything. I guess you would find your career limits fairly rapidly in a chain gang.. I mean, there is the end of the chain or the top of the chain. Big deal!

Finding my limit has been a very disappointing experience. I feel deflated and beaten. Panicked even. There is no resignation there but actual fear. I am scared because there is no longer any growth left and that I am judged for it. I am beaten.

Well now I have decided I am going to embark on another venture to find myself. I am going to use my talents and my love for baubles and sparkly things. I am going to be a professional magpie and hopefully sell off some of my creations.

I have already sold some stuff (okay it was to my mother, grandmother and colleague) and I am happy. I feel divided therefore. Part of me is very happy.. the other miserable and feels worthless.

Give it a few months and I will tell you what the valid feeling is. There is more money going out than coming in, but at least I am trying.

Well gotta go.. got some reading up to do!!!