Can I do it? Yes I can...

I've been feeling a little off colour lately. Not inspired at all about anything. Discontented and misunderstood. Not sure why, really.

It might be because the nights are getting longer and despite being a night person, this also means that the mornings are dark and uninviting.

Up as a lark, I am in the summer. Full of energy and spirit. Now I feel like a zombied drone worker who needs to make ends meet. I must, I must, I must, is my motto nowadays. Mostly to satisfy the I want, I want, I wants of my bank, my kids, myself...

I am wondering about what I would really really like to do. It is a question that has been plaguing me since I was a teenager. What is it...that I.. want to do in life. I know it is has all to do with how others perceive me. I want to be admired, I want to be creative and inspire others. I want to write and to convey witty insights and deep thought and gain the respect of others. This is really quite disconcerting to me. Deep down I don't want to be so concerned with what others think and this is where the dilemma lies. I do love it when I get a comment from someone. Be they stranger or friend. When I know I have helped someone else gain perspective and insight or inspire them into doing something they never thought of doing.

Now as to the actual professions and careers I have considered, I will put in a row down here in chronological order:

1. Singer - When I was five I decided that the school opposite our house should hear the dulcet sounds of my rendition of pussy miauw (a Dutch nursery rhyme). I went up to a full class of long haired, bell-bottomed, long-lapelled-shirted kids and sang my little heart out. .. Although this did not receive the rapturous applause I anticipated, I did get thrown out of the class and I went on to the next class room where I was kindly but firmly ushered out. I went home to find my mother and grandmother in floods of tears and the police looking very concerned and swiftly halting their area search.

2. Stewardess - I wore blue strawberry fruit punnets on my head and serve air-tea to my cousin. I dreamed of a jet-setting career in the sky visiting all sorts of exotic places. What I did not know then was that I looked naff with a punnet on my head.

3. Hairdresser - My barbies which are now owned by my daughter still bear the scar of my art. It was not to be although I do live out my dream by cutting my family's hair. It is a good compromise. That I only do one hairstyle does not phase me...

4. Forensic Scientist - When I was thirteen I wanted to become an FBI agent and to crack murders. The fact that I am totally squeamish and gag even at the sight of mould and other crud did not in fact dissuade me at the time. It was not meant to be. I am however a bit of a forensic scientist when it comes to keeping an eye on my kids. I know when they have been naughty/in trouble and have an eerie 'profiler' quality about me. It astounds them and frustrates them. I call it Mummy vision.

5. Actress -This is my father's doing. He wanted me to enroll into RADA and become an actooor. I was too scared and it did not happen. No surprises there... I did have a stint of being an extra in Dutch movies and an educational film about AIDS for British Soldiers abroad. I auditioned for it and got rejected because my English was too good. As the Dutch director did want me for the role of a prostitute, I was offered to opportunity to be an extra (prostitute at bar.. A role I came to play in a few other Dutch series ).

6. Fashion Designer - Now this is something that I actually did study for. Only after the second year did I realise that the most likely job I would get after graduation is a position as button-sewer-onner #2. It did not appeal.

7. MSCE - This was based solely on the vision I had of someone asking "My Server crashed can you get an engineer to look at it, STAT?!"and then to see their faces when they found out that it was a woman engineer!! Only after I read the first chapter of part one of the MSCE manual did I find out that it was ARSE-NUMBINGLY boring and that a job requisite was to wear plaid shirts.
I did however become a helpdesk agent. The fact that I don't like telephones or have in-depth technical knowledge did not hinder me in any way.


8. ehm.. I guess I want to be a writer? A jewellery designer? A antique furniture dealer?

God.. I don't know...