Tearful

I am feeling nostalgic and a little tearful these past few days. Nostalgic for a more carefree time. A time when my choices were limited but at the same time gave me a great sense of freedom. For example; when I lived in rooms while doing fashion college I chose to buy a beautiful dress that I could not afford and to ensure that I would not starve and run out of money half way through the month I had to reduce my diet to eating toasted cheese sandwiches and drinking freshly squeezed orange juice for the rest of the month. No meat, of course because that dress was all important. Mind-numbingly shallow but on the other hand; I had good clothes, I was 20 and I loved toasted cheese sandwiches and freshly squeezed orange juice. It was a win-win situation. Not to mention the fact that I actually looked good in that dress made it all the sweeter.

Now, it is simply not the same even though the choices are the same: To have good clothes and starve or to wear clothes a few years old and pay the mortgage. I work all day, every day, and if I am very unlucky in the evening as well. I am tired... Very tired and I feel drained. I know I am not alone but I have to keep working for money, money, money... MONEY, to get by and buy. My choices are even more limited, I guess. And to top it all I don't look good in that dress anymore. In fact, I doubt it would get passed my ankles. But other than that. No complaints.

But back to being tearful. It is not a "I am feeling sorry for myself" tearful. It is more like misery mixed with happiness. I am happy I have family and friends who love me dearly. I am happy that I have kids who have their whole life ahead of them and that they are happy. I am happy that a dear friend of mine got a great job after just one interview after years of being doubtful of her own worth and abilities. I am so happy for her but at the same time I know she is now entering a rat race that at times she will regret ever getting into. She will look back, like I do, and elevate those days before to a mythical status.

The ' misery' which I feel comes from doing something that I don't actually love. It does not make me happy. Now I have read motivational books but they do not take away the fact that my job sucks at times. Big time. I do know that only I can change that but I also know that, at the moment, I am not in the position to actually do so.

So I dwell on times when the world was mine and the sky was the limit....

To be fair; I have done many things already.. Not enough, obviously. There are many things I would still like to do, but I am pretty content with what I have done so far. No complaints

*listening to the oh so sentimental Claire de Lune by Debussy*